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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The night before open heart surgery

It's been a bit of a long week for the Mays clan.  Surgery was scheduled for yesterday.  Andrew and I tried to get as much packed into the weekend as we humanly could.  2 trips to the pool, ice cream, fabulous dinners, friends, family, and work of course.  I have had the pleasure of working with some wonderful women on their upcoming July weddings and they all really deserve a shout out for pulling things together on such short notice so I could finish before we left.   Sunday night was pretty terrible.  Saying good night to Jake and knowing that we wouldn't see him for at least a week, but him not having any idea that he would wake up tomorrow without his parents or his favorite baby.  We read extra stories and tried in vain to get extra kisses and hugs.  I may not have gotten any extra kisses but when I started crying Jake got very concerned, toddled over, said "Mommy, tears? Mommy, sad?" as he leaned over and touched every tear that fell.  He really is so sweet. It was a tough night.  I was lying in bed and I couldn't decide if I really wanted to go and be done with it, or scoop up Logan and run as far as I could in the other direction.  I know that he needs the surgery, but you see those sweet innocent smiles and he has no idea that within a day he'll be on a ventilator, and heavily sedated while his heart repairs after surgery.   I know it's much harder for me than it will be for him.  I am as prepared as I can be but just the thought of what he will go through and the minute that I have to hand him over and trust in God is enough to rip you apart.   Well, so we went through all of that and were all but in the car and on the road when we got the call from SLCH that there was a child that was more sick than Logan and we were getting bumped.  Surgery on Thursday, not Tuesday.  It was such an emotional let down.   It actually ended up being rather fabulous.  All of our work was done so we got an extra 2 days to snuggle and enjoy the boys, worry free.  I spent most of Monday snoozing on the couch with Logan snuggled on my chest.   It was wonderful and it actually made leaving this morning that much easier.  There were only a few tears saying good night to Jake last night and I am much more ready to go.  In a few days we'll be on the upswing of tihngs. Today we made it down to St. Louis and through all of our appointments.  Logan had another echo, EKG, chest x-ray and blood work done all before we met with both the anesthesiologist and the cardiothoracic surgeon. I felt like it was all so much to take in, but I really didn't learn anything new. I know the risks. I know that the chances that something will go very wrong are less than 1%. The ASD is so small that they will just sew it right up. The VSD however is a bit larger and will need a patch. He'll come out of surgery and need to be on a ventilator for about a day. He'll spend a few days in the cardiac ICU and then a few more days in the cardiac step down unit. If all goes swimmingly we'll be out of here in 5-7 days. None of this is new to me, but I am still terrified. That's OK. I should be scared. I am as prepared as I can be. I want to look at him and say that he looks perfect and we don't need surgery, but to be honest I think I'm just as scared of what happens if we don't fix his ticker. So get keep the warm thoughts and prayers coming, we'll need them! Surgery is on for 6 am on Thursday. He should be safely and happily in recovery by lunch time. I will try to post short updates here and there as I can. The official updates will probably come from my husband on the Caring Bridge site. Mine will be the more sappy arrangements :) Thanks for thinking of us!!
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